long time, no see

I'm FINALLY out of my hibernation from blog world.....I can't, however, keep up with two blogs so be sure and follow me over at The Kindle Crew!

Kingdom Focus

I've had it all wrong for weeks now.  I can't serve this sweet little family of mine and expect to be fulfilled. 

Quiet honestly, I've found no satisfaction in my days lately because I guess without realizing it, I've expected some sort of affirmation or evidence of growthin in these little members.

Some things I have restrained from....
no elbow have been thrown, no teeth have been knocked out and noone has been strangled

Some things I confess to....
idle words have been spoken, angry eyes have been glared and lies from Satan have been believed

Jesus said, "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul and with all your mind." He says this is the first and GREATEST commandment.  It cuts deep and reminds me that if I seek first His kingdom and His righteousness then all other things will be then added.

I've tried serving my family because I love them and have their best interest in mind.  I desire for them to exemplify great manners, a well rounded education and most importantly moral character and an undying passion, devotion and love for Jesus Christ.

What's wrong with these goals?  Nothing.

It's my love - it's a faulty love.  Parents like to believe we love our children unconditionally but it's impossible for unfailing love to be poured out of a sinners heart.  Only Christ's love is perfect and unfailing.  It's His love that must be poured out of us.

My good news and hope for today is that if I love him with all my heart, soul and mind and seek his kingdom and his righteousness then I will be filled with his love which can then be poured into my family.  I have the ability to love like Christ. 

"Whatever you do for the least of these, you do unto me...."

If I can serve my family out of service, passion and devotion to Jesus then my fulfillment will come from Christ....which is the only true fulfillment in the first place.  "He has set eternity in our hearts." 

What a great reminder for me today.  I once knew this.  When I lost sight of it I do not remember but how thankful I am today to be reminded. 

I can't be devoted to my family. 
I must be devoted to Jesus and in his strength I can serve the family he has called me to nurture.

Thank you, Jesus.  What a relief!

whatever my lot

I just deleted my post because it's not what God put on my heart...it was what Jennifer thought was a "good post" but that was never my intention for this blog so.......tonight when I can't sleep I'll come back and restart this whole blogging adventure over....being real and praying I point you to Jesus. 

I've missed you.

such a long time....

have so many things to write.....

maybe one day soon they'll make it from my notepad to here

pondering lots these days....have many new views and insights about quite a few ways of thinking I've always had...interesting how He shapes us....

hopefully more sooner than later...

Conditioned

I realized today how much religious culture has conditioned me.  Even when I've allowed the Lord to teach me and grow me, to increase my faith and show me how to walk in the Spirit...today I wasn't guarding my heart and I let this old "conditioning" come out in me, right in the middle of church!  Urg.  I was very convicted and disappointed in myself for several minutes until I turned it into thankgiving.  I'm very thankful He opened my eyes and worked in my heart....and it wasn't even the invitation time!  (That's an attempt at humor for you other "conditioned" Christians in case you didn't catch on.)

For the past few weeks I have diligently been praying in my quiet time for my children.  For this particular child I have prayed that he hear from the Holy Spirit, that he be obedient and realize the Lord can tell him great and mighty things if he will open his heart to hearing from the Lord.  God has been so faithful to show me over this past week how He is indeed growing this child, I've been so thankful and have practiced turning these blessings back into praise. 

To set the stage for today; I've also prayed for myself that I would have the childlike faith required to inherit the Kingdom of God, that I would not put the Holy Spirit in a box and that my life would be a reflection of walking in the Spirit every moment.  I am such a work in progress, for the Lord's sake quite literally.  He has grown me by leaps and bounds at times and other times, just by baby steps.  I have been so amazed that this heart of filthy rags even finds favor in the sight of Christ.  Thankful and overwhelmed describes the cry of my hear these days. 

Today during the praise and worship time.  Yes, there's a time carved out for this and I am by no means knocking that.  God is a God of order and I appreciate His sovereignty in order.  At the same time, I feel that we throw the Holy Spirit in a box and ask him to come out for 15 minutes here, 15 minutes there and for the most part...stick to the order of things.  That, in my opinion, is not a church downfall.  Like I said, God is a God of order.  Just like the seasons.  Spring is always after Winter, Summer after Spring and so on.  What I see as the downfall is the heart of His people.  We condition ourselves to stuff Him in that box and we in turn, condition our children to serve Jesus with passion....by all means..within the boundaries of that box, please. 

So I ramble.  Sorry, here is the point:

I love Jesus.  I love words of praise we can sing to the Lord.  Worship music meets my soul like nothing else can sometimes.  Today, during the middle of worship, my child pulls my ear to him and says, "I feel like the Lord is saying go down and pray." 

Without any specific thoughts coming to my mind, I know my "conditioning" kicks in and my unguarded heart slams the door shut on that box I've let the Holy Spirit try to sneak out of.  I look at this child and from this mouth that was just singing, "when the music fades, and all is stripped away, and I simply come.....wanting to bring something that's of worth, to bless your heart"...I said, "WHY?"

(Thoughts of "it's not time for that" didn't even come to my mind but I know that was the foundation of the "why?" That is a a pity and I vow not to raise my children to be conditioned.) 

Stab in the heart.  Did this child's Jesus loving Momma, who teaches him to walk by faith and to hear the prompting of the Spirit and act on it, did I really just ask my child "why" over his obedience to the Father? I did.  I confess.  My heart sank.  Immediate conviction.  I so grieved my Creator.  I took my child's hand, led him down front and he prayed to Jesus.  Short and sweet, blessed his Savior's heart...next to him kneeled me...unworthy of the calling bestowed upon me.  Unworthy of another chance, unworthy of anything good....so unworthy.  Smack.  My own heart was grieved over my "conditioned" state.  Back in our spot, I leaned over and told this child how very proud I was of him to hear and obey the Holy Spirit.  He smiled and said thank you.  I'm so unworthy to have experienced this blessing....thankful I serve a God who redeems. 

I have been made aware today that I need to grow in this area of walking in the Spirit.  I never want to grieve Him in that way again.  Nor do I ever want to do anything "in His name" without first being led.  My belief of the importance of daily seeking Him was made evident again today.  I didn't do my quiet time this morning because I didn't get up early, I didn't prepare my heart before worship and therefore my unguarded heart grieved the Holy Spirit.  I'm thankful He was ready to do a work regardless of my lack of preparation. 

Blessed be the name of the Lord who will not be kept in a box!

amazed

Last summer I was having to prepare for a short speech and as I was praying rather diligently over it, I just couldn't find a peace about a topic, words or anything.  I really was at a loss of words.  A few weekends before I was to deliver the speech, we sang Word of God Speak at church and the words brought tears to my eyes....those words were exactly it and how overwhelmed I was for the Lord to speak so softly.

I'm finding myself at a loss for words

And the funny thing is it's okay

The last thing I need is to be heard

But to hear what You would say

The voice of God was so loud in my ears and on my heart.  It was evident to me that the Lord was saying, "it's more important for you to hear me than for you to be heard" and that there's nothing I can say to speak into the hearts of another unless first I hear from the Lord.  So, I waited patiently, prayed with thanksgiving for the drawing of my heart to his and he gave me a short little speech that was totally from him.  He is so gracious. 

I had to prepare another little speech to share my heart a few months ago and same thing.....I knew that there weren't any words for me to say except what He prepared for me to say before time began for me.  He is so faithful to show his power and I just love these words, "strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord."  I'm a recovering control freak and it's part of my sinful nature to expect my timeline to be accomodated and what peace, growth and affirmation the Lord has spoken into my heart as I continue to wait and wait and wait on his timing for so many little details of my life.  God is so worth the wait. 

I realize this post is seeming rather random but as you that faithfully read what I have to say have probably noticed, I obviously haven't blogged in such a long time....or been able to read many of yours.  Oh how I have missed sharing my heart and so much more I have missed being encouraged by those of you who so often encourage me through your own heart sharing. 

I have written (in my mind) many a post that just haven't made it to the keyboard...instead, they've soaked deep into my own heart & soul and I have had to apply each and every one in my own life....I've been saturated with these "in my mind" posts and have had them rub me raw, rip through my core and I've had to search myself for long periods of days.  What a blessing it has been.  In the past I have written, from deep conviction, what I know the Lord has put on my heart and then I'm off to see what else the Lord has for me to share.  Lately, the Lord has worked it out that these deep convictions I know he has put on my heart has sat, fermented and penetrated my heart and actually has changed me, grown me and allowed me to sit still and settle in on what truth he really has had for me.  I can't even begin to tell you how amazed I am at my Creator.

I read this the other day at the end of a very perfect devotion for me; "And you will never cease to be the most amazed person on earth at what God has done for you on the inside."  That's me right now.  I am the most amazed person to see what the Lord has done for me on the inside.  The outside still comes with flaws when I'm not submissive to the Spirit but I am truly, thankfully, gratefully so amazed on the inside....in so many ways I don't even know how to express my gratitude....so overwhelmed and so very humbled at how many times the miracle of God's grace is showered down upon me. 

In these times of seeking the Lord with all my heart, I have found him and what's so exciting about finding him is knowing that there's even more of him to be found and he is so eager to give himself to me. 

So as the rest of the song goes, like we sang again this weekend...what perfect timing for me again....

Would You pour down like rain

Washing my eyes to see

Your majesty

To be still and know

That You're in this place

Please let me stay and rest

in your holiness

Word of God speak

Thank you, Lord, for pouring down like rain for me in these times of seeking you.  Thank you for the continual process of washing my eyes and letting me see the path of life you've called me to, your grace and your majesty.  Thank you for teaching me to be still, to know you're with me, to nudge me to respond to your greatness with a worthy manner. Oh Lord, let me stay, rest and swim in your holiness.  Thank you for speaking Lord Jesus....you redeem. You save.  You satisfy.

Who am I?

My mom gave me a little charm for my necklace.  It's the cutest little owl. I just read a friend's blog about her making over an area in her home and she had the greatest owl decoration that I love. These words keep ringing through my mind....WHO am I that you are mindful of me?  I just love that people think of me when they see cute little owls because of this WHOSE ARE YOU blog.  I see how perfect God's timing is that this blog idea was put on my heart right before everything "owl" came out on the retail shelves....or at least before I noticed it.  I love them and I love that the Lord uses them to remind me of WHOSE I am, WHO I belong to, WHO I serve and WHO it is I should aim to please. 

WHOSE ARE YOU and WHO are your serving today?